If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
