You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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