I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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