hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
