If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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