When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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