you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
