I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
