On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
