I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
