did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
