I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
