fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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