Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
