if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Enjoy the penises
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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