Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
