I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
