i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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