I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
