I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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