Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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