I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
