My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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