i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
