My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
