Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
