Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
