Already got asked if we're dating
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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