Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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