When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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