If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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