allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
