cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
