I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
