The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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