no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
