i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
