Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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