your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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