I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
