Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
