Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
