I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
