Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
