I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
