Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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