Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
