just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
