Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
