Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
