Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
