she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
