I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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